The Tick Vs. The Late 70's by hujhax
[Black screen. Music. The theme-song da dwee
scatting is made to sound like a wah-pedalled guitar. Fade in
on silhouetted shot of the TICK and ARTHUR, walking towards the
camera in slow motion. A deep voice speaks up over music that
sounds vaguely like the theme from Shaft.]
VO: Whos the nigh-invulnerable man thats
got the City in good hands?
BACKUP SINGERS: [as TICK and ARTHUR step into the light] Tick!
VO: Darn right.
[Optical wipe to TICK jumping across housetops,
ARTHUR flying behind.]
VO: Whos the superhero guy that jumps across
the city sky? [Freeze-frame on the TICK]
VO: Right on.
[Wipe to TICK pursuing the MAD FLAMINGO down
VO: Whos big and blue, an always lookin
out for you and the City?
SINGERS: The Tick!
[Cut to TICK holding the bomb on the dam from the
original intro sequence]
VO: Yeah, that cat the Tick, hes one bad super-
[The bomb explodes; in front of the fiery background,
a 70s-font, chrome-edged The Tick logo quickly
fades in, gleams. Wipe to a TV showing the Action News.
BRIAN PINHEAD sits at the anchor desk.]
BRIAN: Our top story tonight: [Cut to a madman running
through the streets waving gobs of money. Lowlife teens watch,
bored. BRIAN continues as voice-over:] the City has absolutely
no crime. [TV cuts to an electronics store (Angry Hanks
Electronics Superstore) with its merchandise on the sidewalk
and a cash box; large sign says Take what you want -- pay
by the honor system.] The anti-crime wave has the police
twiddling their thumbs, and the City is now the safest place to
live, anywhere, ever. But for some, no crime spells hard times.
[TV cuts to a series of interviews. First, the two
guards from The Tick Vs. Brainchild.]
GUARD 1: We got fired.
GUARD 2: Again.
GUARD 1: There was no crime. What could we do?
GUARD 2: But you know who I feel sorry for? The superheroes.
[TV cuts to The Mighty Spork, a superhero
with a The Rake-style spork and a blue suit with the
word Spork! written across the chest. Caption: The
Mighty Spork Superhero.]
TMS: I moved here from Detroit. What was I thinking?
[Cut to a silhouetted figure who is obviously CHAIRFACE
CHIPPENDALE. Caption: Charlie incarcerated
CC: I am incredibly disappointed in my fellow criminals.
They simply arent doing their jobs. Poor show.
[Cut to a silhouetted figure who is obviously DIE
FLEDERMAUS. Caption: Billy superhero]
DF: I mean, without crime, Im just some crazy
guy in a bat suit er hey
[Cut to TICK sitting despondently on the couch,
lit by the glow of the TV.]
DF (soft, filtered VO): Um are you going
to use that?
[Doorbell ding-dongs. In the background ARTHUR walks
by with a broom, sweeping.]
ARTHUR: Are you getting that?
TICK: [Hmph.] Is it a villain intent on wreaking havoc
on our fair city?
ARTHUR: [crossing to door] Probably not.
[Cut to ARTHUR opening the front door, revealing
DOT and DINOSAUR NEIL, who are dressed in 70s attire.]
DOT: [smiling] Arthur, youre coming with us!
ARTHUR: Youre going to that stupid 70s club, arent
you. [walks away, picks up a feather duster, starts dusting.]
DOT: [following him] Its not stupid! [Neil follows, warily.]
Theres been no crime, youve been cooped up in here
you need to have fun.
ARTHUR: Do not!
DOT: Do too!
NEIL: [tentative] Just hit the town for one night. No big deal.
ARTHUR: I dont want to.
DOT: Arthur, put down the feather duster.
ARTHUR: [holding it defiantly] Ill put it down when Im
good and ready.
NEIL: The place is spotless, Arthur.
DOT: And, we know you dont go out much.
ARTHUR: Oh, thank you, Dot.
[TICK looks out the window; quick POV shot of a woman walking
diagonally through an intersection. DOT and ARTHUR continue in
DOT: But youve got to get out of this apartment!
ARTHUR: Were doing fine. [DOT reacts doubtfully; TICK is
in the background]
TICK: Jaywalking fiend! [leaps out through the window, lands with
a crash; everyone stares at the window, stunned]
[Cut to a city street. TICK has made two Tick-foot-shaped
potholes in the pavement, and stands directly in the path of a
JAYWALKER: [screams] What
what do you want?
TICK: Maam, youve crossed paths with the shady side
of the law!
JW: Here! Take my wallet!
TICK: You must understand our citys pedestrian by-laws,
because my God, woman, the safety!
TICK: [shocked whisper] You walked outside the crosswalk lines!
JW: [humoring the crazy guy] Okay, fine. Wont happen again.
TICK: Walk on, duly corrected citizen! Weave yourself into the
civic fabric of a law-abiding society. [As she walks away, TICK
looks a bit disappointed.]
[Cut to TICK entering the apartment. He looks sad,
bored. The argument continues in the background. ]
ARTHUR: Dot, Im not going, and you cant make me.
DOT: Tick! [TICK looks up warily] I know were not great
TICK: Were not?
DOT: But you saved Neils life. And theres more to
life than fighting crime.
TICK: Yeah, theres doing crime. But nobodys doing
NEIL: Would it help if I got some parking tickets?
TICK: Oh, Neil. It just wouldnt be the same!
ARTHUR: What would I do at a dance club? I dont dance.
NEIL: Hey you never know, there might be a crime there.
TICK: [looks up; suddenly NEIL has his undivided attention] Really?
ARTHUR: Tick? Tick, he was kidding.
TICK: Crime? Really?
DOT: Theres always a chance of crime.
ARTHUR: Dot! Stop enabling him!
[Cut to NEIL driving Dots station wagon up
to a club. The club is decked out in garish colors and psychedelic
patterns. A large sign reads The Romper Room. TICK
has a goofy grin on his face. ARTHUR, exasperated, stares out
ARTHUR: Great. [Shot of DOORMAN, floating in front
of the club front door. His costume features a mask and a door
insignia on his chest] Its Door-man. [pronounced
like Batman or Spiderman, only with a
DOT: You know that guy?
[Cut to DOORMAN, floating, arms folded, looking
irritated. DIE FLEDERMAUS stands before him, pleading angrily.]
DF: Oh, come on!
DOORMAN: Im sorry, you dont have the look.
DF: The look? Ive so got the look!
DOORMAN: You look like a crazy guy in a bat suit.
DF: But hey check out the moves
. [He essays a bit
of disco dancing. DOORMAN grimaces, then looks away.]
[Cut to ARTHUR, TICK, DOT, and NEIL walking up to
the club. DF gets hurled to the ground nearby.]
DOORMAN: And stay out!
DF: Oh, yeah? Im just too hot for you to handle! [DF notices
them.] Tick! Arthur! Wouldnt think
youd waste time at a dump like this.
ARTHUR: [To DOT] See? Its a dump.
TICK: Well, Die Fledermaus, Dot and Neil have invited us to the
intrigues of a nightclub. If youll excuse us,
it looks like I see an old friend. [Walking on] Doorman! We meet
DOORMAN: [exasperated] Hmm?
TICK: [pointing to himself] Its the Tick! Sorry about the
explosions when I visited your last place, there, I
NEIL: Um theyre with us, Gary. [DOORMAN takes a pained
look at the Tick and Arthur, motions the four of them in with
a tilt of his head.]
[Cut to the four of them walking through the interior
of the club. Everyone dressed in loud period costumes. DOT and
NEIL are happy. TICK looks around with wonder. ARTHUR is still
DOT: Look! A lava lamp!
ARTHUR: Yeah. Great. Id find it fascinating if I had the
brain of a
TICK: [Looking at lava lamp] Ung.
ARTHUR: Tick. Stop drooling.
TICK: [entranced lava-lamp-pattern eyes] Yes, master.
ARTHUR: Oh boy.
TICK: [shaking out of it] This is amazing! [ARTHUR shrugs; TICK
ignores him] Weve been magically transported back in time!
Now we can fight evil in the mid-to-late-70s!
ARTHUR: It just looks like its in the 70s its
just a club.
TICK: But its a nightclub, Arthur! Its all seedy!
Who knows what this one holds a deranged mentalist? a part-time
electrician with plans for anarchy?
ARTHUR: Nothing is going on here!
[They stop near a small stage and a DJs booth]
TICK: Thats just on the surface, Arthur. To
the practiced eye, theres a man concocting a cocktail of
green deadliness! ARTHUR: Tick, hes mixing a drink. There
are no villains here, so dont
do anything. [ARTHUR
[The music to I Will Survive starts up; [more] lights
flash. The DJ motions to TICK from his booth.]
DJ: Nice costume! Cmon up!
TICK: [walking up, perplexed] What costume?
DJ: [Holding microphone] Lets have a big round of applause
[moves microphone to TICK]
TICK: Wha? [feedback noise] Oh, The Tick!
DJ: [Taking back microphone] Yeah!
TICK: What? What do I do?
DJ: Just read off of the prompter.
[Quick shot of the prompter, which shows the lyrics
with a bouncing smiley-face ball. TICK starts to sing along hesitantly]
TICK (VO, talking): At first I was afraid. I was
[Cut to the TICK, on stage, standing still carefully
reading the prompter as he sings]
TICK: [melody coming into his voice] Kept thinkin
I could never live without you by my side.
[Cut to DOT and NEIL, who notice him, smile and
TICK [nods towards them, sings with a bit more spirit]
But then I spent so many nights thinkin how you
[Cut to a shadowy, bulky FIGURE in a Panama hat,
sitting on a barstool, suddenly noticing whats going on
FIGURE: Hmm. [He gets up and walks out of frame]
TICK (VO, singing, in background): did me wrong,
and I grew strong! And I learned how to get along!
[Cut to ARTHUR, disconsolately toying with a little
umbrella in his drink. He looks up, surprised, as the singing
TICK (VO, singing, in background): Go on now! Walk
out the door!
[buries face in hand] no.
[Cut to TICK, who is now singing with gusto and
TICK (singing the audience is now clapping
along): Just turn around now, cause youre not welcome
[Cut to the shadowy FIGURE, now walking up to the
DJ booth, his face still shadowed by his hat]
TICK (VO, singing, in background): Werent
you the one
[The FIGURE takes off a gold medallion and tosses
it. Insert of it flying through the air. Shot of it landing in
a corner of the club with a clang. Shot of the DJ noticing this,
and exiting the DJ booth, scratching his head.]
TICK (VO, singing, in background):
to hurt me with goodbye? [The FIGURE enters the DJ booth] Did
[Cut to the TICK on stage]
TICK (singing): Did you think Id lay down
and die? Oh no, not I!
[Cut to the FIGURE, who, in the DJ booth, yanks
out a coax cable. Cut to the teleprompter, which suddenly goes
TICK (singing): I will survive! [Cut to TICK on
stage, thinking fast] You know your evil ways arent gonna
get through this alive! Beneath a superheros gaze, youd
better stop your evil ways, [Cut to DOT and NEIL, who clap along,
perplexed] and stay alive! [cut back to TICK] I will survive!
[Cut to the FIGURE, who unplugs a second cable.
The music goes dead.]
TICK: Hey! [Crowd makes complaining noises.] Who
stopped the music?
[Cut to DOT and NEIL walking up to where ARTHUR
sits. The shadowy FIGURE is getting out of the DJs booth
in the background]
DOT: Arthur? Do you know who that guy is?
ARTHUR: Tick! [he gets up and walks towards where the FIGURE is
[Cut to TICK leaving the stage and standing in the
way of the FIGURE; ARTHUR stands to the side. We can see the FIGURE
is a large man wearing a Panama hat and aviators glasses]
ARTHUR: Tick, uh
is there a problem?
TICK: [pointing at FIGURE] This mystery man stopped everybody
from getting their groove on! [turning to FIGURE]
[Characters theme music plays as he takes off the hat and
glasses, revealing himself to be
ARTHUR: [pointing] Its Taft! [Background singers: Taft!]
TICK: Say, uh, Taft, youre not going to dress like my mother
and try to beat me, are you?
TICK: Therapy, Arthur.
ARTHUR: Wow. He must have been one bad mother
TAFT: Shut yo mouth!
ARTHUR: [scared] O-o-okay.
TAFT: And keep cool.
TICK: Whats going on?
TAFT: Theres a criminal here at the club, and I dont
want superheroes here drawing attention to themselves.
ARTHUR: You fight crime? I thought you were a psychotherapists
TAFT: Im also a private detective. And this is my gig, dig?
TICK: Oh I dig.
ARTHUR: Yes. We both dig.
TAFT: [sarcastic] Uh-huh.
ARTHUR: Whos the criminal?
TAFT: Somebody who wants to destroy the city.
TICK: [yes!] A super-villain!
TAFT: So promise me youll stay quiet [TICK covers his mouth]
and stay out of my way.
ARTHUR: Okay. [TAFT walks away]
TICK: Oh, curséd fate! A villain is in the building, and
we promised Taft we wouldnt do anything about it!
ARTHUR: Well, we didnt say that.
TICK: I didnt?
ARTHUR: We just have to stay quiet and stay out of his way. That
doesnt mean we have to sit around here doing nothing.
TICK: I dunno
ARTHUR: Itll be fine. Well split up, and well
get to the bottom of whats going on.
TICK: I feel just like Sam Spade! [Excited] Ill go this
[With exaggerated caution, TICK sneaks along the
wall. ARTHUR casually goes the opposite way. Cut to TICK sneaking
up to the bar, eyeing the BARTENDER distrustfully. BARTENDER looks
back, bored, cleaning a glass. DOT and NEIL sit beside him. Cut
to ARTHUR casually walking past a door marked Employees
Only. He passes it, and it opens behind him, and a SAILOR
and CONSTRUCTION WORKER emerge. They grab Arthur and drag him
back through the door.]
ARTHUR: Tick! Dot!
[Shot of the club. Loud music. Everyone dancing.
Arthurs voice is only barely audible.]
[Cut back to Arthur being dragged through the doorway.
The door slams shut.] Help!
[A MAN IN LEATHER and a NATIVE AMERICAN walk up
to the door. The MAN IN LEATHER locks it. They stand in front
of the door, arms folded, with a bit of menacing music in the
[TICK sits at the bar with DOT and NEIL.]
DOT: I dunno, Tick.
NEIL: This doesnt seem like the place for a supervillain.
TICK: Did you hear that?
TICK: Arthurs in trouble!
TICK: [looking around, worried] Where is he?
DOT: [stands up; while looking around, points] He was over there.
[TICK heads through the crowd.]
TICK: Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me.
[He runs into the NATIVE AMERICAN.]
NATIVE AMERICAN: Stop right there, friend. This
is for employees only.
MAN IN LEATHER: Yeah. Get back down to Groovetown.
TICK: Step aside, noble Native American friend. Man in leather,
you face a disco inferno of justice! [finger pointed skyward;
disco ball in the background] SPOOOOON!!!
[Cut to ARTHUR being shoved into a dark room. The
SAILOR and CONSTRUCTION WORKER are silhouetted in the door behind
him for a split second, then the door slams shut.]
ARTHUR: Hello? Anybody? [quiet] Um
[Suddenly the room is filled with a bright, strange
light. ARTHUR turns around, faces the camera.]
ARTHUR: Oh thats not good.
[Cut to TAFT, watching the TICK]
TICK: Unblock that door in the name of justice!
MAN IN LEATHER: Its employees only!
TICK: But my sidekicks back there! [big, theatrical accusation]
What have you done with Arthur?!
[TAFT quickly walks up]
TAFT: Theres not really any problem here.
TICK: But I oh, man!
TAFT: [significantly] Well just be quiet.
MAN IN LEATHER: All right. Move along, now, before [suddenly
TAFT knocks the MAN IN
LEATHER out cold with a single punch to the face, accompanied
by Taft theme music.]
TAFT: I didnt say anything about not knocking you out. [Background
TAFT: You go do what you gotta do. Ill take care of things
here. [TICK opens up the door]
TICK: Arthur! [running inside] Hang in there!
[Cut to ARTHUR, sitting transfixed, staring at the
light. Reverse shot shows a wall composed of a million lava lamps.
Shot of ARTHUR, his eyes filled with lava-lamp shapes, spellbound
by the lamps. The scene begins to swirl and fade to
[Shot of ARTHUR sitting in a Mexican restaurant]
[looks over the menu] Do you have
[Shot of the waiter. It is a large capybara named
SPEAK. He talks with a faint upper-class-British accent.]
SPEAK: Of course, sir. Our guacamole is made fresh
ARTHUR: Oh, good.
[cut to the TICK running down a hallway]
[cut to TAFT, now dressed in the man in leathers
costume, manning the door. The NATIVE AMERICAN walks up to him.]
NATIVE AMERICAN: Did you have any problems with
that big blue goon?
TAFT: [shaking head] Mm-mmm.
[cut to the imaginary Mexican restaurant; SPEAK
is standing on a small stage, holding a trumpet. A bassist and
pianist play behind him. Everything in the restaurant sways faintly
with the music]
SPEAK: [singing] Un blues calibre douze Est braqué
dans mes reins Dans le banlieue de Toulouse Où j'attends
mon destin. [Music finishes with a slow wave of cymbals. Applause.]
And now it is time for posthypnotic suggestion. There is a suitcase
here that you must take home.
ARTHUR: [entranced] Okay.
[Cut to TICK, rounding a hallway and seeing
[ARTHUR stands insensate, with little lava-lamp
shapes in his eyes. He is holding a small metal briefcase.]
TICK: Arthur? [shakes him slightly] Arthur! Talk
ARTHUR: Er wha? Aah!
TICK: Youre all right! Theres something really strange
going on here. There was a man in leather and this mean Indian
say, chum, whered you get the briefcase?
ARTHUR: I dunno. I just know that if I put it down my eyes will
start bleeding and my brains will explode.
TICK: Ooh! One of those briefcases!
[Sounds of someone making a loud speech in the distance.]
TICK: Now, how do we get out of this villainous maze?
ARTHUR: [Puts hand to his ear] Theres voices that way!
[They walk around another corner and find themselves
in a massive underground hall. CAPTAIN FUNK stands at a podium,
addressing a crowd of arch-criminals.]
TICK & ARTHUR: Wow
these people are too unfunky to live! [crowd
cheers] We will destroy the cit-tay, and it will not be pret-tay!
[crowd cheers] And at last the Funksday Device is ready! They
will get down with it, whether they like it or not! And it will
start with those classless goons, the Tick and Arthur! [huge cheer]
TICK: Spoo [ARTHUR puts a hand over his mouth.]
TICK: But Arthur! [Pointing] E-vil!
ARTHUR: We promised Taft!
TICK: [holding himself back] Gah!
CF: The only cat groovy enough to catch on to our plan is in my
club as we speak! [Projection-display shows TAFT, dressed as the
man in leather, standing by the employee entrance.]
CF: Taft! Now, watch, as he is eliminated.
TICK: Theyre gonna
TICK: We gotta help him! [They run out of the hallway, through
the compound. Inset of a laser-beam detector that they trip. Alarms
start going off cheesy multicolored rotating lights, with
a deep VO saying Intruder Alert. Mmm-hmm.]
[DOT and NEIL at the bar.]
DOT: I hope hes all right.
[Alarm starts going off.]
BARTENDER: All right everyone, thats a
alarm! Everyone clear the club! [screams of fire?!
pandemonium breaks out]
[Shot of a police car pulling to a stop in front
of the club.]
POLICE #1: [VO] Hey looks like somethings
going on there.
[A roomful of bored police officers. One of them
is balancing an egg on a table.]
POLICE #2: See? You can stand it on end. [POLICE
#2 smiles as another officer reaches for his wallet]
POLICE #3: [entering] Bob says theres something going on
at the Romper Room! Could be a real crime!
[Shouts and hollers as the room clears out.]
[TAFT waits by the door, checks his watch. Someone
taps him on the shoulder. He turns around to see the
NATIVE AMERICAN, the CONSTRUCTION WORKER, and the SAILOR, armed
with menacing weapons.]
SAILOR: Looks like somebodys been sticking
his nose where it dont belong.
[Someone taps the SAILOR on the shoulder. He turns
around, and sees
TICK: Ahem. Spoon.
POLICE #1: [VO] All right! [everyone turns around] Everybody out!
SAILOR: Yeah, not until Im finished with [he turns
around; TAFT isnt there any more] hey! Whered
[Cut to later on, out in front of the club. There
are about fifty police cars there, lights flashing, with more
arriving. TICK, ARTHUR, and DOT are standing around waiting.]
TICK: Chalk up another evening gone curiously awry!
DOT: [glaring at ARTHUR] Hmm. [looks off in the distance; waves]
Over here, Neil! [She walks away]
ARTHUR: [To TICK softly] That Funksday Device sounds like
it will destroy the entire city! Weve gotta find Taft!
TICK: But where?
ARTHUR: Well, we know where his day job is
[NEIL pulls up
in the car]
TICK: Oh, no. [dramatic music] No! [rotating crane shot of TICK
bellowing at the heavens, with melodramatic, cliffhanger music.]
[Shot of THE EVIL MIDNIGHT BOMBER WHAT BOMBS AT
MIDNIGHT (EMB) raving.]
EMB: Thats what I say, baby! Down with the
man! Boom, baby, boo [at this point he is knocked out of
frame by a large cartoonish bomb with arms and legs] No! The bomb
goes, boom, baby! Bad is good!
[Cut to CAPTAIN SANITY, a disembodied head floating
in what looks like a water cooler, watching and taking notes.]
SANITY: No, Harvey. Sometimes bad is bad!
[Cut back to EMB, struggling back upright]
EMB: There is no Harvey! I am the Evil Midnight Bomber
What Bo oof! [he gets knocked down again]
SANITY: Hmm. Bomb treatment showing potential.
[Ext shot of Captain Sanitys Superhero
Sanitarium; sign out front reads Electro-Shock
2 for 1 Sale!; Dots station wagon is parked outside.]
ARTHUR: [VO] Whats the big deal?
[Cut to TICK and ARTHUR walking down a hallway in
the sanitarium. They pass mock-Successory posters,
with peaceful nature photographs, accompanied by captions like
Paranoia: If they were out to get you, theyd have
gotten you a long time ago, and Guilt: Remember
you can always blame it on the other guy.]
TICK: Well, the thing with therapy
er, I mean
ARTHUR: You said he works here, so
TICK: He does, but
ARTHUR: Tick, are you afraid of Sanity?
TICK: Not scared, but he is kind of
creepy. [As TICK says
this, they reach the door marked Sanity Therapy Room.]
ARTHUR: [entering] Oh, he cant be that bad
SANITY: [peevish] May I help you?
TICK: I, uh
ARTHUR: Weve got to talk to Taft!
SANITY: Im sorry, you cant do that. Were in
the middle of [in the background the large bomb takes a flying
leap at EMB, knocking him again to the ground] some rather delicate
therapy right now.
TICK: But the City is at stake! If we cant talk to Taft,
it might be destroyed!
SANITY: Hmm, so only you and Taft can save the entire city?
TICK: We stand between this City and total destruction!
SANITY: [taking notes] Clearly delusional
SANITY: You still have issues; remember, you cant argue
TICK: But Im saner than ten sane men!
ARTHUR: Look, we just need to talk to Taft for five minutes.
[The Taft background music plays. The
man in the bomb suit removes the headpiece of the costume, revealing
himself to be
TAFT: Somebody asking for me?
TICK: [points] Its Taft!
BACKGROUND SINGERS: [VO] Taft!
EMB: [in background, breathless] Baby
[TICK, ARTHUR, and TAFT sit at an outdoor table
by a hamburger stand. Its out in the country, like the Sanitarium.
Dots car is parked nearby. Some other, less intrusive 70s-style
Taft theme plays in the background. Cut to closer
shot of the three of them.]
TAFT: Ive only got twenty minutes for lunch
before Harveys tranquilizers wear off.
TICK: If the clocks ticking, well make it quick, since
a private dick cant afford to waste any time. Weve
got the lowdown on the criminal mastermind behind the Romper Room.
TAFT: [Puts some ketchup on his burger; backup singers: Puttin
on ketchup!] I told you: stay out of my way.
ARTHUR: We saw the guy he was giving a speech; he had sunglasses,
and a big, shiny suit, and
TAFT: Captain Funk.
TICK: [wow!] Captain Funk!
ARTHUR: He said he had something called
Device. [TAFT is visibly shaken]
TICK: Is that bad?
TAFT: [nods] My day job is going to keep me from doing anything.
TICK: Never fear, citizen! Well track down the
TAFT: [raising a hand to stop him] I have people who can take
care of this.
ARTHUR: People? What people?
TAFT: Top people.
[ext shot of the Sanitarium. Dots car drives
away. Cut to TAFT, watching the car depart and producing a cell
phone. Cut to three glamorous women (CANDY, TRUDI, MINDY) in a
room with a speakerphone. Cheesy glam music plays in bkd. One
of them answers the speakerphone.]
TAFT: [VO, filtered] Its Taft.
ALL THREE: Hi, Taftie!
TAFT: Weve got a problem.
CANDY: Awww, a problem?
TAFT: With Captain Funk.
MINDY: Oooh. Hes mean.
TAFT: Hes got something called the Funksday Device. Figure
out what it is, and where it is, and how he plans to use it.
ALL THREE: Okay!
TRUDI: Im gonna need hairspray!
MINDY: And little spangly bracelets!
TRUDI: And of course, weve got to get our hair and nails
done before we can go anywhere
TAFT: Get whatever you need; but get into that club!
MINDY: Okay Taftie!
TAFT: And the name is Taft! [background singers: Taft!]
[Cut to AMERICAN MAID (AM), who is visibly annoyed.]
[Two-shot shows DOORMAN floating placidly in front
of AM, arms folded.]
DOORMAN: Sorry, new club policy. No superheroes
AM: But youre a superhero!
DOORMAN: Sorry, Im going to have to ask you to leave.
AM: What kind of quisling are you?
DOORMAN: Dont make me call the authorities.
AM: Fine. [she walks away]
[Walking bass line plays over ext shot of the roof
of the club, late afternoon/early evening. AM hoists herself up
on to the roof, then makes her way down an air vent.]
[Pizzicato sneaky music plays over int
shot of a catwalk near the ceiling of the club. AM drops silently
on to it, and walks carefully along it, coming up to a large picture
window. AM notices the window, freezes next to it, makes to carefully
sneak under it.
Meanwhile, we notice that there is a zip wire attached
to a point just above the window, and that CANDY, MINDY, and TRUDI
are hanging on to a handle and sliding towards the window at great
speed. Shot along the catwalk of the three of them bursting through
the window as AM looks on, alarmed. Cheesy theme music plays as
they pose with their weapons in completely pointless directions.]
[Cut to GOONS, shocked at what happened, but recovering.
GOON #3 carries a big stick.]
GOON #1: Get them! [GOONS #2 & #3 run out of
[CANDY, MINDY, and TRUDI look back and forth (mainly
to swish their hair around) for a few seconds, and then start
daintily running along the catwalk, out of shot. AM looks on,
GOON #2: Ey! Theres one ofem!
[close-up of AM, looking annoyed with being one
of em. She throws a shoe off-screen.]
GOON #2: Oof!
[ext shot Arthurs apartment building.]
TICK: (VO) I just cant take it, Arthur!
[Int shot Arthurs apartment. The briefcase
sits beside the TV set. ARTHUR reads a magazine. TICK is visibly
ARTHUR: This is Tafts job.
TICK: We cant just sit here!
ARTHUR: Taft said
TICK: But Arthur! EVIL! A threat to The City!
ARTHUR: But how are we going to get to this guy?
TICK: I have an idea! [triumphant musical sting]
TICK: Brute force! [higher-pitched triumphant musical sting]
ARTHUR: Brute force?! Thats your big idea?
TICK: Simple, yet effective.
ARTHUR: Last time it almost got us arrested!
TICK: No need for raised voices, chum.
ARTHUR: Well just let Taft figure something out.
thats not the Arthur I know! Youre
just full of ideas and plans and stuff!
ARTHUR: Like what?
we could sneak in!
ARTHUR: Then wed have to blend in
TICK: Yes! Well blend in!
ARTHUR: No we cant! Look at how we look. Look at how we
act. We cant possibly fit in at a 70s nightclub!
TICK: We can do it! Well be the swingin-est guys the
Rumpus Room has ever seen! [ARTHUR looks doubtful.]
[Cut to CANDY, MINDY, and TRUDI in a hallway in
CANDY: Do you see anything, Mindy?
MINDY: [looks all around] Nothing. The coast
AM: What are you doing?
[AM was standing right next to them; they hadnt spotted
her. CANDY, MINDY, and TRUDI are all shocked, and quickly rearrange
themselves into a mock-threatening tableau facing AM.]
CANDY: Who are you? We may have to [Shatner-esque beat] destroy
AM: Im American Maid. Im here to stop Captain Funks
fiendish plan to destroy the city.
TRUDI: Im Trudi!
MINDY: Im Mindy!
CANDY: Im Candy!
AM: Well Im angry! You cant just [imitating their
moves mockingly] wiggle around while people try to beat you with
sticks! [CANDY giggles] What?
CANDY: Youre funny!
AM: Youre in a lot of danger here.
MINDY: Well danger is my last name.
AM: Its your middle name. Dont you
follow me and Ill get you out of here before any of you
CANDY: [cheerily] Okay!
GOON #1: [VO, from around a few corners] Theyre over here!
AM: Quick, follow me!
[AM runs away. Cut to slow motion shot of TRUDI,
MINDY, and CANDY running in slow motion along the hall, cheesy
theme music in full force. Cut to AM running around a corner.
TRUDI, MINDY, and CANDY follow; we see that its not in slow-motion
theyre just running really really slow.]
TRUDI: [sotto voce] Wow. We look so much cooler
than she does.
[cut to AM running up to a locked door, getting
ready to kick it.]
AM: Stand back, girls, this
shes lost them] girls?
[Cut back to MINDY, TRUDI, and CANDY, who are now
encircled by GOONS. They all face outwards, doing faux-kung-fu
GOON #2: What do we do boss?
GOON #3: Do we hit them with sticks?
GOON #1: Theyre harmless. Just chloroform them.
GOON #2: Thatll just put them to sleep!
GOON #3: [wanting to make sure everyone understands this key point]
I want to hit them with sticks!
GOON #1: Put on your mask, Ned. [They put on gas masks; GOON #1
sets off a canister of chloroform.]
TRUDI: [stumbling] Oh
MINDY: [about to pass out] Oh, thisll mess my hair
[AM tears into the room, immediately starts coughing,
staggering back. The GOONS drag the three girls through a doorway.
CANDY: Get Taft!!! At Captain Sanitys! [as
she passes out] Please!
[The door slams shut. Medium shot of AM collapsing
in the smoke.]
[Arthurs TV set. SALLY VACUUM and BRIAN PINHEAD,
as teenagers, face the camera. Video is really old, lousy quality.]
BRIAN: With these simple lessons and the magic of
this new VCR technology, you too can learn to be super-cool!
[Cut to ARTHUR and TICK, sitting on the couch watching.
TICK is enthralled. ARTHUR is bored.]
SALLY: So lets get started!
BRIAN: First off, fellas, lets talk about talkin with
SALLY: Just repeat what Brian Pinhead says, guys, and youll
be the hippest cat on the block! [Thumbs- up to the camera; cheesy
wipe to next scene.]
BRIAN: My, youre looking foxy. [A caption at
the bottom of the screen reads the same.]
[Cut to ARTHUR and TICK.]
ARTHUR and TICK: My, youre
SALLY: Cmon! Like you mean it!
TICK: My! Youre looking foxy!
BRIAN: Hey, baby! Whats your sign?
[Ext shot of Arthurs apartment building.]
BRIAN: .. and remember, the key to being a happening
guy in the 70s is
SALLY and BRIAN: Dancing!
[Dancing silhouettes in the windows of Arthurs
apartment as disco music plays. One of them stops.]
ARTHUR: (VO) This will never work.
[Cut to ext shot Captain Sanitys Superhero
Sanitarium. Small sign out front: Superman filling you with
feelings of inadequacy? Just talk to us! Cut to a large
courtyard at the Sanitarium. A few mad scientists do odd but harmless
things. One runs around with a butterfly net. A man in tights
up a tree shouts Captain Ordinary to the rescue! jumps,
plummets, lands. Several superheroes act like mimes trapped in
boxes. TAFT walks across the grounds, with background music. AM,
holding an ice pack to her head, walks up behind him.]
AM: Excuse me? Are you Taft?
[close-up of TAFT, turning around, taking of his sunglasses, the
music in full force.]
TAFT: Uh-huh. [Background singers: Taft!]
AM: [blinks a few times, smiles] Um
TAFT: Whats a fine, foxy lady like you doin round
AM: Foxy? [regaining composure] I mean, thank you. Citizen. I
need your help. A supervillain has captured three friends of yours.
TAFT: Three ladies? Big hair?
AM: Yeah, and one of them knew you.
TAFT: [sighs] They got themselves caught.
AM: Rest assured, I intend to
TAFT: I should have let the Tick handle it. But Captain Funk would
violent reaction to those two.
AM: Now we need a plan to get them back!
TAFT: [nods] Come with me.
[Ext shot outside the Romper Room. Dots station
wagon pulls up. Da-dwee scatting starts up. In slow motion, TICK
and ARTHUR, in full disco-suited regalia. Music kicks in with
horns as they walk up to the club. ARTHUR, looking the other way,
hits something and falls down.]
[We see that ARHTUR ran into
TICK: Uh, Taft! Fancy meeting you here!
ARTHUR: [getting up] American Maid, is that you? [shes dressed
in a red white and blue 70s costume, her hair down]
TICK: Lookin cool, American Maid!
AM: [uncomfortable] Its not regulation.
ARTHUR: Well, what are you doing here?
AM: Were taking down Captain Funk and his diabolical plan
to destroy the City.
TICK: Well, well just be going. [TICK and ARTHUR start walking
away. TAFT puts a hand on their shoulders, stops them.]
TAFT: Stop. [They turn around; close-up on TAFT] I shouldnt
have told you to stay out of the way. We gotta fight this together.
TICK: [tearing up] Thats so right on!
TAFT: Lets go! [They walk towards the club front door together.]
DOORMAN: [VO] Stop!
[Cut to shot that includes the four of them looking
at DOORMAN, floating imperiously before them in front of the door.]
DOORMAN: Im sorry. The club is closed for
a private party.
ARTHUR: Not again! [AM rolls her eyes; TICK moves to the front
of the group]
TICK: What would your mother say? When Mrs. Doorman finds out
that her superhero son is working for a villain intent on destroying
the City, how will she feel then?
DOORMAN: [shedding a single tear] Im
[Cut to the two GUARDS from the news story, in front
of the club, getting out of their car with coffee and donuts.]
GUARD #1: [watching them] What?
GUARD #2: Whats up?
[Cut to shot of DOORMAN floating aside and allowing
the four crimefighters to pass.
GUARD #1: [VO] Hes just letting them in.
GUARD #2: Great. There go our jobs.
[Int shot of the disco. Empty. Dark. The four walk
in. The door creaks shut behind them.]
TICK: Looks like somebody cancelled the party!
TAFT: Stay quiet.
[grind of machinery]
ARTHUR: Whats that?
[shot from high up reveals a large disco ball descending
into the room.]
TAFT: Whatever you do, dont look up.
TICK: [looking up] Dont look up at what?
TAFT: Tick, no!
[The disco ball lights up. A million spots of multicolored
light fill the room. Cut to close up of TICK, whose eyes go funky.]
TICK: Oooh. [Insert of the glittering disco ball] Shiny
[AM throws a shoe towards it without looking, misses.]
AM: [putting shoe back on] My aims no good
if I cant look at it.
ARTHUR: Tick! [To TAFT] Whatll we do? The Tick has become
the mind slave of late-70s decorations! TICK!
TAFT: Hes too mellow to hear you now.
ARTHUR: Not on my watch! Tick! Remember when they cancelled Justice:
American Style just to have a special report on the weather?
ARTHUR: Or last week, when Bens Diner was all out of bacon?
ARTHUR: No BLTs at all!
TICK: That was
ARTHUR: And dont you really, really hate how there hasnt
been a single arch-villain on the loose for three whole weeks?
TICK: [blinks repeatedly] Why, yes, Farrah, Id hey!
Where am I?
TAFT: Were good.
[Cut to TICK, AM and TAFT following ARTHUR down
a hallway in the hidden compound; they face a fork in the road.]
AM: Where did they take you next?
the guy with the big nose threatened to hit
me with a stick, and they threw me
[taking the left path]
TAFT: How long were they pushing you around?
ARTHUR: And after that the Tick found me.
TICK: Wow! Then Captain Funks innermost lair must be right
around that corner! [rushing off] Spoon!
[TICK exits; the other three react and follow.]
[Cut to the giant hall from earlier. We now see
that the floor is made of glass tiles of various bright colors.
TICK enters, followed by the other four.]
CF: (VO) Ha! If it isnt my main mean arch-nemesis man, Taft!
And the squares without compare he dares to hang out with in my
TICK: Wow! Hes a poet and he doesnt even know it!
CF: Yeah, youve gone groovy on the smooth B, but it just
AM: Tell us where the Device is, and nobody gets hurt, Funk.
CF: Oh I couldnt let you destroy the Funksday Device. No,
I think were gonna have to see how much funk yall
can take! [villain laugh]
[Beat-heavy music kicks in. The four turn around.
Cut to the SAILOR, the CONSTRUCTION WORKER, the MAN IN LEATHER,
and the NATIVE AMERICAN facing them, ready for a fight, as the
floor lights up in colored patterns beneath them.]
TICK: Looks like a distinctive male cross-section
of American society is looking for a fight! [cracks knuckles;
he begins unconsciously moving his hips a bit with the music]
Its been a while, but Im looking forward to pummeling
evil again whoa! [The hip-sway had gotten more pronounced,
until it finished in a spontaneous spin move that landed TICK
on the floor. Their adversaries advance on them in identical,
synchronized moves. Close-up on TICK, who looks worried as he
tries to get up, fails.]
TICK: Im as clumsy as a newborn faun!
[Cut to TAFT and AM, who are dancing slightly]
TAFT: Its the irresistible beat. Just go with it, Tick!
ARTHUR: But we look like dorks!
TICK: [moving incredibly clumsily] I barely watched the disco
part of the video! Whaagh! [He gets grabbed by the SAILOR and
the MAN IN LEATHER. One gets the head, one gets the feet. They
swing him one way, snap, swing him the other way, snap, repeat.
The CONSTRUCTION WORKER takes on AM and TAFT. TAFT fights valiantly.
AM keeps reaching for her shoe. Moving involuntarily to the beat
prevents her from doing it.]
TAFT: What are you doing?
AM: Cant quite [grab] get my shoe [grab].
[Cut to ARTHUR, who activates his wings, but flies
erratically, barely staying afloat.]
ARTHUR: I cant fly! This is screwing up my
[The NATIVE AMERICAN grabs his foot.]
[Cut to the TICK. The SAILOR and the MAN IN LEATHER
let him go, and spin into poses as TICK goes flying into a wall,
taking out big chunks of concrete.]
[Cut to TAFT and AM]
TAFT: Youve got to groove down to that shoe,
AM: But Ill look silly!
[As TAFT pays attention to AM, the CONSTRUCTION WORKER knocks
him down with a rhythmically- timed punch, and pulls out a wrench,
which glimmers menacingly.]
AM: NO! [She does a very fancy move that ends with her removing
her shoe, and hurls it.]
[Close-up of the CONSTRUCTION WORKER looking shocked]
[Insert of the shoe flying through the air with
a whooshing sound.]
[Shot of the CONSTRUCTION WORKER getting knocked
cold by the shoe and passing out]
[Shot of TAFT crossing the room, tapping on the
shoulder of the NATIVE AMERICAN (who is still holding ARTHURs
foot as he tries to fly free), knocking him out cold.]
[Shot of the MAN IN LEATHER and the SAILOR walking
up to TICK, who lies in the rubble, dazed and moving slightly
with the music.]
MAN IN LEATHER: Two against one looks like bad odds.
[They turn around to see TAFT, AM, and ARTHUR facing
AM: How about two against four?
[They quickly incapacitate the two henchmen. Cut
to CAPTAIN FUNK looking at whats going on from an observation
room he escapes through a side door]
TAFT: Well keep these goons from following
you. You take on Captain Funk.
where is he, Taft?
CF: He is bringin the funk to you!
[Everyone reacts to his sudden appearance]
CF: Taft! How could you? [TAFT reacts with raised
eyebrows.] The coolest cat in the City, and youre trying
to take me down? You want to live in a city where people dress
like that? [pointing at TICK and
ARTHUR] A city thats boring?! I dont understand!
TICK: I think you dont understand, captain! A plain storefront
can hide a time-traveling disco! A floating heads assistant
can be a keen private eye! Villainous fiend, this city is only
as boring as you make it!
CF: Join me, Taft! Join me, and together well bring the
City down to its no-dancin, bad-dressin, boy- band-listenin
TAFT: [shaking head[ Destroying the City is not cool.
AM: Tell us where the Funksday Device is!
CF: Why not? Its in your apartment, little rabbit guy!
[Cut to Arthurs apartment. The suitcase, sitting
on the coffee table, is now beeping and blinking. The latches
pop open, one at a time.]
CF: [VO] And it should be deploying any second now!
[tense, cliffhanger music]
CF: Youre all too late for the Funksday Device!
TICK: Arthur! We gotta get home before that device destroys the
TAFT: Youll need this. [TAFT tosses car keys to ARTHUR,
who catches them.]
ARTHUR: Whats this?
TAFT: [theme music starts as TAFT smirks slightly] The fastest
[Cut to ext shot of a 78 Corvette roaring
down the street. Cut to int car. ARTHUR is driving and has a maniacal
grin. TICK has his hands over his face, occasionally peering through
his fingers, and is trying to crumple into the fetal position.]
TICK: Arthur, slow down!
ARTHUR: We gotta get there fast, and [hard turn screech!
TICK gets plastered against the passenger door] yknow,
Im getting to like this. [horn blares]
TICK: That was a red light!
ARTHUR: Dark orange.
[Cut to ext shot of the Corvette barreling down
TICK: [almost sobbing] Were gonna die-e-e-e!
[ext shot Arthurs apartment building. ARTHUR
flits around by the window.]
TICK: Do you see it?
[shot of ARTHUR reacting to it]
ARTHUR: Oh, no.
[POV shot, through the window, of a disco ball with
a blinking red LED protruding from the top emerging from the open
[Ext shot of ARTHUR trying to open the window.]
ARTHUR: It wont budge!
TICK: Are you sure?
ARTHUR: [In the background, the blinking and beeping gets faster
and faster until it becomes a steady
light and tone] Tick, do something! [sound & light stop. ARTHUR
looks inside, flies away from the
window, down towards TICK.] Its gonna blow!
[Shot of Arthurs apartment. A bright flash
of light, and then a cloud maybe a mirage? slowly
emanates from the disco ball. Cut to TICK.]
TICK: Noooo! [TICK runs into the apartment building
and disappears. We hear him ascend the stairs really fast.]
[Cut to Arthurs apartment. As the cloud expands,
things inside of it change. The carpet becomes a bright green
shag rug. The wallpaper gains a paisley pattern. Arthurs
CDs all turn into vinyl LPs. The TV gets rotary dials. TICK
bursts through the front door.]
[TICK looks around a bit, sees the device, leaps
forward. Slow motion. TICK leaps in through the emerging shock
wave, and gains an Afro, a variety of medallions, and a shiny
new suit as he flies into the zone. The cloud expands faster and
faster, but TICK brings his fist down on the ball, shattering
it. Normal speed. ARTHUR comes in.]
ARTHUR: Tick! Is it too late?
TICK: The City
ARTHUR: [perplexed and disgusted] What happened to my apartment?
TICK: Evil did some redecorating, and [preening a bit in his new
suit] its time to hit the town!
[Shot of Dots station wagon. ARTHUR and TICK
are in front. TAFT and AM, both in sunglasses, get in back. Beat.]
TAFT: Lets go.
[ARTHUR hits the gas and the car rolls out of frame.
Cut to a high, high shot looking down on the car as it drives
along a highway, and slowly, slowly panning up to the City skyline
as the Taft theme from the opening montage fades in.]
ARTHUR: Do we even know where were going?
TICK: [rising in volume and intensity throughout] Yknow,
Arthur, sometimes its about the journey. Cos when
youve given evil a good, solid pummeling, and scared it
away to its secret lairs and hideaways, the ever-vigilant can
take a ride out on that big highway called Life. And it may not
have any destinations or clearly marked road signs, but its
got wondrous sights and smells along the way. So lets hit
that road and take a good whiff! Feel the funk! Hit the floor!
Shake your groove thing!
[Background singers: Taft!]